365 days

A lot can change in a year. That seems cliche, I know, but a lot has happened and so much has changed.

A year ago I was trying to get pregnant.

Little did I know on this day a year ago that it would happen.

That for 10 weeks I would grow a life inside me.

That I would be so excited for the future.

Little did I know I would have to learn how to recover from debilitating saddness and heartbreak.

I struggled so much after we lost our baby. They were due on August 28th. I would have had a 2 month old right now. Instead I am learning and understanding that a broken heart does heal, despite the scars. 

On their due date I planted an apple tree in our backyard. I look at it every day and say hello. It seems silly to others, but honestly it has brought me comfort. 

It's been 9 months since we lost our little one. I'm finally able to hold the babies of friends and not feel like trembling, crying, or hiding. I'm finally feeling ready to try again and see if maybe this time the life in my womb will be grow until they are born. Sometimes I still grieve for our baby, I know this will happen for my whole life. They will never be forgotten.

Life is hard. Sometimes lessons we learn almost destroy us. But I also think I've got this. 

30 before 30 update, and life update

1.     Sculpting with clay

2.     Kayaking

3.     Learn how to play D&D

4.     Learn how to play Magic: The Gathering

5.     Hike to the summit of Mt. Saint Helens

6.     Make Cheese

7.     Learn Calligraphy 

Acquired a calligraphy set and a brush set, I've been having a lot of fun learning and practicing.

8.     Read/Listen to many books

Recently finished a 50 hour audio book and re-read a favorite book of mine. Also have a mountain of books and audio books to continue this year. 

9.     Cultivate a small garden

My lemon grass, lavender, thyme, and rosemary herb garden is doing lovely. 

10. Hike

11. Expand my cooking knowledge

12. Complete a large jigsaw puzzle

13. Revamp the kitchen

14. Writing/Journaling more

15. Write more letters

16. Go to more concerts

17. Contact a different friend every week 

18. Finish setting up the front room

19. Organize my bookshelves

20. Organize the living room

21. Ride in an aerial gondola

22. Do more cardio

23. To pause more before reacting

24. Have $4,000 in my savings

25. Pay off all medical bills

26. Handmade gifts for others

27. Build a cat enclosure

28. Learn how to play poker

29. Leave the house to see friends at least once a month (not for work)

30. Get another tattoo

Got my cats done! Was very exciting.

      Life update: broke my little toe in 2 places, essentially 1 break per bone in my toe. Should take 2-6 weeks to heal. Right now I'm keeping it taped to my other toe and keeping it safe. 

End Of July

As what would have been my due date creeps closer (Aug. 28) I find that my heart breaks at random times, I'm crying a lot more, and I feel very isolated. I decided that I will be planting an apple tree in our back yard on TD's due date as a way to remember them. We are thinking about trying again in January, but I'm still on the fence. It was a painfully heart breaking experience that I dont know I can struggle through again. For now, I am doing better and broken pieces are sliding back together, for the most part.

In an attempt at temporarily helping with the feelings I've been having, I've decided to treat myself to some controlled change. I got a new tattoo of the fur-kids that I'm absolutely in love with and will be cutting and possibly dying my hair next week. I know, band aids to the feelings. However today after my tattoo is the calmest ive felt in the last month.

My birthday was on the 24th (yay 29!) and I'm proud to say I've already started attempting the 30 before 30 items on my list ♡ It has been a truly helpful goal.

My job starts back up in 26 days and school resumes in 28 (on the due date). I'm teaching 5th grade this year for the first time. Wish me luck! More posts to come.

Happy Moments,
Kelli

30 before 30

My 29th birthday is approaching at the end of July and I wanted to create a little "to do" list for myself to accomplish in the next 13 months. I know I won't be able to accomplish all of these tasks, but I think if I get 50% I'll be pretty proud about it. Anyways, here is my list.

Things I want to do:

1.     Sculpting with clay

2.     Kayaking

3.     Learn how to play D&D

4.     Learn how to play Magic: The Gathering

5.     Hike to the summit of Mt. Saint Helens

6.     Make Cheese

7.     Learn Calligraphy

8.     Read/Listen to many books

9.     Cultivate a small garden

10. Hike

11. Expand my cooking knowledge

12. Complete a large jigsaw puzzle

13. Revamp the kitchen

14. Writing/Journaling more

15. Write more letters

16. Go to more concerts

17. Contact a different friend every week 

18. Finish setting up the front room

19. Organize my bookshelves

20. Organize the living room

21. Ride in an aerial gondola

22. Do more cardio

23. To pause more before reacting

24. Have $4,000 in my savings

25. Pay off all medical bills

26. Handmake gifts for others

27. Build a cat enclosure

28. Learn how to play poker

29. Leave the house to see friends at least once a month (not for work)

30. Get another tattoo

I feel cursed.

It seems that when it rains, it pours. 

Looking back all of the large changes in my life have been marked by death.

Moved to a new home in a new state, my dog of 15 years dies.
Graduate from college, my grandmothers (both) die.
Moved out into 1st apartment, my cat of 16 years dies from pancreas failure.
Got engaged, my dog of 12 years dies from cancer.

Then... it gets quiet for a while. We buy a house, get married, and everything seems to be going to well. We get pregnant and at the 10 week mark, we find out we are miscarrying. I get a D&C done, my body retaliates, and a week later I find out my cat of 14 years has quick spreading cancer and will need to be put down. She will be put down on Monday after my post-op with my doctor. She will be surrounded by family and all the love we can offer.

My heart can't handle much more of this.
I don't honestly think I am strong enough to endure this year.

To hell with you, 2019.
To hell with you.

In the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.

After what has felt like the longest week of my life, I am finally crawling out from under my safe rock and shedding light in on my darkness. To my friends, to my family, this isn’t the news I had hoped I would be sharing with you. You see, we found out in December that we were expecting – due date was August. At 10 weeks exactly, we found out that I had what they refer to as a “missed miscarriage”. That means that the fetus had stopped developing shortly after the 7 week mark. No movement, no heartbeat, no life - but my body hadn’t realized this. So, after a surgery on Friday, Feb. 1^st, I am in the recovery phase of this journey we are on.  Physically, I hurt a lot, I’m cranky, I’m uncomfortable, and I’m healing slowly. My body doesn't want to admit defeat with this pregnancy and is still going through the motions. I started a new medication to help it realize it's no longer pregnant. I just want it to be done. Physically, I don't know what else I can take right now. Emotionally, that’s another story all together. We have both found that we don’t handle death or grief very well, so it’s a learning process.

We have been so grateful for the outpouring of love, support, and kindness from those who knew. We wouldn’t have made it through the last 9 days without you. I know this is a hard story to read, to work through, but it’s our story. All the love in the world couldn’t have prevented what happened – and it doesn’t deserve to be kept a secret because believe me love was such a large part of this equation.

Sadly, there is so much stigma tied to miscarriage and pregnancy loss, that I know so many who feel it’s better to keep silent so as not to offend, annoy, or bother others. The truth is, this wasn’t a rare event in the big scheme of things. In fact, this is something that happens to 1 out of 4 women and in 15-20% of all pregnancies. It sucks, the statistics don’t offer any comfort, and life still goes on even when you feel like it should all pause or blow up. We’re healing – but we have a long road ahead of us.

If you are willing to share your story, please do.

Thank you.

Kelli

“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories… The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.” Lord of the Rings

How Things Can Change

Written on December 24th, 2018

Little Trans-dimensional Bean,                                    

          Hello and welcome to the universe! I’m your mom and I just found out you existed. You’ve been growing quietly for only a month and now you’re the size of a poppy seed. While this may be barely visible in the grand scheme of things, it is breath taking how giant you are already in my universe. I already bought a bunch of books in hopes I learn a little bit to fill in the space that is my lack of knowledge on parenting, pregnancy, and you. I’m terrified, I’m excited, and I’m already in love. Who knew that it was possible to love something so new, so intangible, so small?

I can’t help dreaming about who you might become, what you might be like. Will you be like your dad; tall with a great sense of humor and a love for knowledge? Or will you be more like me; short and fiery with a love for food? Maybe will you be something else entirely that leaves us breathless, in awe, and full of love. Someone made of galaxies, star fire, and life. Whoever you are, be it with all your being. And if you want to change the world – believe me when I tell you that you’ve already changed it for your dad and I at the size you are now. I can’t even begin to imagine what you will set in motion as you get bigger.

I look forward to helping you grow for the next 8 months. I also can’t wait to meet you in August! I love you Little Tiger. We both do. Yesterday they found ice on mars and today you’re swirling in your own galaxy. Until next time.

Love for always,

Mom

Written on February 8th, 2019

Little T-D,

          You were wanted. You were so very, very wanted. Let me just begin by saying those 10 weeks I held you inside me, those 6 weeks I got to know you and love you, have changed me for ever. I never realized how much love I was capable of giving to someone I hadn't even officially met yet. Your dad loves you too, he was so very excited to be your father. 

         Please always know you were wanted, you were loved, and if there was anything we could have done to save you we would have. 

         Sometimes, life happens and it gives us paths we never would have walked down. I know your heart stopped and you left us after 7 weeks - but my body wanted so much to keep you. We found out at 10 weeks that you were no longer with us in life anymore. Now your little body is gone and our hearts are breaking for you. 

         I hope one day we meet again. That life allows us to cross paths again. Until then, remember that you were wanted. Remember that you are loved. Remember that we will never forget you for the rest of our days.

Loving you always,

Mom