365 days

A lot can change in a year. That seems cliche, I know, but a lot has happened and so much has changed.

A year ago I was trying to get pregnant.

Little did I know on this day a year ago that it would happen.

That for 10 weeks I would grow a life inside me.

That I would be so excited for the future.

Little did I know I would have to learn how to recover from debilitating saddness and heartbreak.

I struggled so much after we lost our baby. They were due on August 28th. I would have had a 2 month old right now. Instead I am learning and understanding that a broken heart does heal, despite the scars. 

On their due date I planted an apple tree in our backyard. I look at it every day and say hello. It seems silly to others, but honestly it has brought me comfort. 

It's been 9 months since we lost our little one. I'm finally able to hold the babies of friends and not feel like trembling, crying, or hiding. I'm finally feeling ready to try again and see if maybe this time the life in my womb will be grow until they are born. Sometimes I still grieve for our baby, I know this will happen for my whole life. They will never be forgotten.

Life is hard. Sometimes lessons we learn almost destroy us. But I also think I've got this. 

30 before 30 update, and life update

1.     Sculpting with clay

2.     Kayaking

3.     Learn how to play D&D

4.     Learn how to play Magic: The Gathering

5.     Hike to the summit of Mt. Saint Helens

6.     Make Cheese

7.     Learn Calligraphy 

Acquired a calligraphy set and a brush set, I've been having a lot of fun learning and practicing.

8.     Read/Listen to many books

Recently finished a 50 hour audio book and re-read a favorite book of mine. Also have a mountain of books and audio books to continue this year. 

9.     Cultivate a small garden

My lemon grass, lavender, thyme, and rosemary herb garden is doing lovely. 

10. Hike

11. Expand my cooking knowledge

12. Complete a large jigsaw puzzle

13. Revamp the kitchen

14. Writing/Journaling more

15. Write more letters

16. Go to more concerts

17. Contact a different friend every week 

18. Finish setting up the front room

19. Organize my bookshelves

20. Organize the living room

21. Ride in an aerial gondola

22. Do more cardio

23. To pause more before reacting

24. Have $4,000 in my savings

25. Pay off all medical bills

26. Handmade gifts for others

27. Build a cat enclosure

28. Learn how to play poker

29. Leave the house to see friends at least once a month (not for work)

30. Get another tattoo

Got my cats done! Was very exciting.

      Life update: broke my little toe in 2 places, essentially 1 break per bone in my toe. Should take 2-6 weeks to heal. Right now I'm keeping it taped to my other toe and keeping it safe. 

End Of July

As what would have been my due date creeps closer (Aug. 28) I find that my heart breaks at random times, I'm crying a lot more, and I feel very isolated. I decided that I will be planting an apple tree in our back yard on TD's due date as a way to remember them. We are thinking about trying again in January, but I'm still on the fence. It was a painfully heart breaking experience that I dont know I can struggle through again. For now, I am doing better and broken pieces are sliding back together, for the most part.

In an attempt at temporarily helping with the feelings I've been having, I've decided to treat myself to some controlled change. I got a new tattoo of the fur-kids that I'm absolutely in love with and will be cutting and possibly dying my hair next week. I know, band aids to the feelings. However today after my tattoo is the calmest ive felt in the last month.

My birthday was on the 24th (yay 29!) and I'm proud to say I've already started attempting the 30 before 30 items on my list ♡ It has been a truly helpful goal.

My job starts back up in 26 days and school resumes in 28 (on the due date). I'm teaching 5th grade this year for the first time. Wish me luck! More posts to come.

Happy Moments,
Kelli

30 before 30

My 29th birthday is approaching at the end of July and I wanted to create a little "to do" list for myself to accomplish in the next 13 months. I know I won't be able to accomplish all of these tasks, but I think if I get 50% I'll be pretty proud about it. Anyways, here is my list.

Things I want to do:

1.     Sculpting with clay

2.     Kayaking

3.     Learn how to play D&D

4.     Learn how to play Magic: The Gathering

5.     Hike to the summit of Mt. Saint Helens

6.     Make Cheese

7.     Learn Calligraphy

8.     Read/Listen to many books

9.     Cultivate a small garden

10. Hike

11. Expand my cooking knowledge

12. Complete a large jigsaw puzzle

13. Revamp the kitchen

14. Writing/Journaling more

15. Write more letters

16. Go to more concerts

17. Contact a different friend every week 

18. Finish setting up the front room

19. Organize my bookshelves

20. Organize the living room

21. Ride in an aerial gondola

22. Do more cardio

23. To pause more before reacting

24. Have $4,000 in my savings

25. Pay off all medical bills

26. Handmake gifts for others

27. Build a cat enclosure

28. Learn how to play poker

29. Leave the house to see friends at least once a month (not for work)

30. Get another tattoo

I feel cursed.

It seems that when it rains, it pours. 

Looking back all of the large changes in my life have been marked by death.

Moved to a new home in a new state, my dog of 15 years dies.
Graduate from college, my grandmothers (both) die.
Moved out into 1st apartment, my cat of 16 years dies from pancreas failure.
Got engaged, my dog of 12 years dies from cancer.

Then... it gets quiet for a while. We buy a house, get married, and everything seems to be going to well. We get pregnant and at the 10 week mark, we find out we are miscarrying. I get a D&C done, my body retaliates, and a week later I find out my cat of 14 years has quick spreading cancer and will need to be put down. She will be put down on Monday after my post-op with my doctor. She will be surrounded by family and all the love we can offer.

My heart can't handle much more of this.
I don't honestly think I am strong enough to endure this year.

To hell with you, 2019.
To hell with you.