In the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.

After what has felt like the longest week of my life, I am finally crawling out from under my safe rock and shedding light in on my darkness. To my friends, to my family, this isn’t the news I had hoped I would be sharing with you. You see, we found out in December that we were expecting – due date was August. At 10 weeks exactly, we found out that I had what they refer to as a “missed miscarriage”. That means that the fetus had stopped developing shortly after the 7 week mark. No movement, no heartbeat, no life - but my body hadn’t realized this. So, after a surgery on Friday, Feb. 1^st, I am in the recovery phase of this journey we are on.  Physically, I hurt a lot, I’m cranky, I’m uncomfortable, and I’m healing slowly. My body doesn't want to admit defeat with this pregnancy and is still going through the motions. I started a new medication to help it realize it's no longer pregnant. I just want it to be done. Physically, I don't know what else I can take right now. Emotionally, that’s another story all together. We have both found that we don’t handle death or grief very well, so it’s a learning process.

We have been so grateful for the outpouring of love, support, and kindness from those who knew. We wouldn’t have made it through the last 9 days without you. I know this is a hard story to read, to work through, but it’s our story. All the love in the world couldn’t have prevented what happened – and it doesn’t deserve to be kept a secret because believe me love was such a large part of this equation.

Sadly, there is so much stigma tied to miscarriage and pregnancy loss, that I know so many who feel it’s better to keep silent so as not to offend, annoy, or bother others. The truth is, this wasn’t a rare event in the big scheme of things. In fact, this is something that happens to 1 out of 4 women and in 15-20% of all pregnancies. It sucks, the statistics don’t offer any comfort, and life still goes on even when you feel like it should all pause or blow up. We’re healing – but we have a long road ahead of us.

If you are willing to share your story, please do.

Thank you.

Kelli

“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories… The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.” Lord of the Rings