I feel cursed.

It seems that when it rains, it pours. 

Looking back all of the large changes in my life have been marked by death.

Moved to a new home in a new state, my dog of 15 years dies.
Graduate from college, my grandmothers (both) die.
Moved out into 1st apartment, my cat of 16 years dies from pancreas failure.
Got engaged, my dog of 12 years dies from cancer.

Then... it gets quiet for a while. We buy a house, get married, and everything seems to be going to well. We get pregnant and at the 10 week mark, we find out we are miscarrying. I get a D&C done, my body retaliates, and a week later I find out my cat of 14 years has quick spreading cancer and will need to be put down. She will be put down on Monday after my post-op with my doctor. She will be surrounded by family and all the love we can offer.

My heart can't handle much more of this.
I don't honestly think I am strong enough to endure this year.

To hell with you, 2019.
To hell with you.

In the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.

After what has felt like the longest week of my life, I am finally crawling out from under my safe rock and shedding light in on my darkness. To my friends, to my family, this isn’t the news I had hoped I would be sharing with you. You see, we found out in December that we were expecting – due date was August. At 10 weeks exactly, we found out that I had what they refer to as a “missed miscarriage”. That means that the fetus had stopped developing shortly after the 7 week mark. No movement, no heartbeat, no life - but my body hadn’t realized this. So, after a surgery on Friday, Feb. 1^st, I am in the recovery phase of this journey we are on.  Physically, I hurt a lot, I’m cranky, I’m uncomfortable, and I’m healing slowly. My body doesn't want to admit defeat with this pregnancy and is still going through the motions. I started a new medication to help it realize it's no longer pregnant. I just want it to be done. Physically, I don't know what else I can take right now. Emotionally, that’s another story all together. We have both found that we don’t handle death or grief very well, so it’s a learning process.

We have been so grateful for the outpouring of love, support, and kindness from those who knew. We wouldn’t have made it through the last 9 days without you. I know this is a hard story to read, to work through, but it’s our story. All the love in the world couldn’t have prevented what happened – and it doesn’t deserve to be kept a secret because believe me love was such a large part of this equation.

Sadly, there is so much stigma tied to miscarriage and pregnancy loss, that I know so many who feel it’s better to keep silent so as not to offend, annoy, or bother others. The truth is, this wasn’t a rare event in the big scheme of things. In fact, this is something that happens to 1 out of 4 women and in 15-20% of all pregnancies. It sucks, the statistics don’t offer any comfort, and life still goes on even when you feel like it should all pause or blow up. We’re healing – but we have a long road ahead of us.

If you are willing to share your story, please do.

Thank you.

Kelli

“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories… The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.” Lord of the Rings

How Things Can Change

Written on December 24th, 2018

Little Trans-dimensional Bean,                                    

          Hello and welcome to the universe! I’m your mom and I just found out you existed. You’ve been growing quietly for only a month and now you’re the size of a poppy seed. While this may be barely visible in the grand scheme of things, it is breath taking how giant you are already in my universe. I already bought a bunch of books in hopes I learn a little bit to fill in the space that is my lack of knowledge on parenting, pregnancy, and you. I’m terrified, I’m excited, and I’m already in love. Who knew that it was possible to love something so new, so intangible, so small?

I can’t help dreaming about who you might become, what you might be like. Will you be like your dad; tall with a great sense of humor and a love for knowledge? Or will you be more like me; short and fiery with a love for food? Maybe will you be something else entirely that leaves us breathless, in awe, and full of love. Someone made of galaxies, star fire, and life. Whoever you are, be it with all your being. And if you want to change the world – believe me when I tell you that you’ve already changed it for your dad and I at the size you are now. I can’t even begin to imagine what you will set in motion as you get bigger.

I look forward to helping you grow for the next 8 months. I also can’t wait to meet you in August! I love you Little Tiger. We both do. Yesterday they found ice on mars and today you’re swirling in your own galaxy. Until next time.

Love for always,

Mom

Written on February 8th, 2019

Little T-D,

          You were wanted. You were so very, very wanted. Let me just begin by saying those 10 weeks I held you inside me, those 6 weeks I got to know you and love you, have changed me for ever. I never realized how much love I was capable of giving to someone I hadn't even officially met yet. Your dad loves you too, he was so very excited to be your father. 

         Please always know you were wanted, you were loved, and if there was anything we could have done to save you we would have. 

         Sometimes, life happens and it gives us paths we never would have walked down. I know your heart stopped and you left us after 7 weeks - but my body wanted so much to keep you. We found out at 10 weeks that you were no longer with us in life anymore. Now your little body is gone and our hearts are breaking for you. 

         I hope one day we meet again. That life allows us to cross paths again. Until then, remember that you were wanted. Remember that you are loved. Remember that we will never forget you for the rest of our days.

Loving you always,

Mom